Monday, April 23, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
Urge to kill rising...
This post is pretty much written in code, but anyone who has had to assemble furniture may recognize pieces of it. The last thing I want to do is run down the fine American employees of a fine US juvenile furniture manufacturer, so I'm not going to name the company I'm talking about.
I started assembling a changing table two days ago. At this point, I'm wishing I'd taken on an easier task, like maybe the Boston Marathon, or Everest. I'm not the handiest guy on Earth, but I've put together quite a bit of the furniture in our house; I'm an old hand with a screwdriver and an allen wrench, so nothing in the instructions seemed difficult.
In practice, however, I found myself dealing with instructions like "Tighten the four screws securely because you're about to cover them up, making them inaccessible forever," followed immediately by "bend outward the panels you just screwed in securely, taking care not to TEAR THE TABLE APART ENTIRELY."
There are eight connectors, called "cam locks" in the instructions, that appear to be responsible for holding together the entire apparatus. I screwed in the connectors they lock into, carefully bent the sides apart without breaking them, put the shelf in place, and turned the cam locks...and instead of locking, they spun freely. Uh....huh?
Some quick examination revealed that the connectors weren't long enough to reach into the cam locks. So I bent the sides apart again to pull the shelf out, loosened them what seemed an appropriate amount, carefully put the shelf in place to check the placement of the connectors (making sure they were unscrewed far enough for the locks to engage.
...I carefully bent the sides apart without breaking them, put the shelf in place, and turned the cam locks...and instead of locking, they spun freely. Uh....huh?
Some quick examination revealed that the connectors weren't long enough to reach into the cam locks. So I bent the sides apart again to pull the shelf out, loosened them what seemed an appropriate amount, carefully put the shelf in place to check the placement of the connectors (making sure they were unscrewed far enough for the locks to engage.
[Hey, John, you just repeated the last two paragraphs. Yes, I did, because THAT'S HOW IT FUCKING HAPPENED. If I wanted to be more accurate, I would've repeated them FOUR TIMES.]
So the fourth time I had to bend apart the sides, it started to seem that they weren't as solid as they were when I first screwed them in. No problem, I figured that when the locks finally engaged they would hold everything together.
So I went to tighten the shelf -- two of the locks engaged correctly! Huzzah! The third one tightened...and then suddenly went loose. Oh, that can't be good. The fourth was still completely loose.
So I pulled the shelf back out, yet again, to find a bent connector, a "cam lock" in two pieces, and the sides of the table looser still, after another bending. I briefly considered that having 7/8 of the connectors in place would probably be plenty...then I thought about my wife's reaction to gaps between the shelves and sides of the table...and asked myself whether I would really be happy with the idea of my kids being "7/8ths supported" by this table.
So I put everything aside to start on the crib. And as I was stacking the vast amounts of styrofoam and plastic packing material in the corner of the baby's room to make way for the crib...what should drop out of the bottom of the box, but a folded-up half-sheet of typing paper, crushed in the bottom of the box.
I unfolded the sheet, to find an "Instructional Addendum." This addendum let me know that I shouldn't screw in the cam lock connectors to the stopping point, but only to an arbitrary point on the shaft; otherwise the cam locks would not engage properly, and "breakage will occur." Huh. Good thing I didn't know this ahead of time. Good thing this fine manufacturer didn't build their threads to an idiot-proof level of precision that could've prevented the problem. And it's a good thing they didn't spend the 5 minutes to put the "Instructional addendum" in the plastic bag with the rest of the instructions.
Because if they'd done all that, I'd have a fucking changing table in the nursery by now, instead of a pile of fine wood and wood veneers.
SO today I figure I get to order new hardware, and wait 3 weeks for it to arrive, hoping the hardware gets here before the baby. The good news is the crib only involves nuts and bolts, and it's about 50% done already.
So, as I said at the beginning, I have no desire to run down the fine American employees of a fine US juvenile furniture manufacturer...but to address them, and their shoddy connectors, variably threaded screws, and shoved-in-the-bottom-of-the-box "Addendum" for one moment...do you all maybe THINK THIS SORT OF LAZY SHIT MIGHT BE A TEENSY PART OF THE REASON WHY WE'RE ALL BUYING OUR FURNITURE FROM THE SWEDES THESE DAYS?! YOU'RE GETTING YOUR ASSES KICKED BY FUCKING SOCIALISTS!
Ahhh. That's better...
I started assembling a changing table two days ago. At this point, I'm wishing I'd taken on an easier task, like maybe the Boston Marathon, or Everest. I'm not the handiest guy on Earth, but I've put together quite a bit of the furniture in our house; I'm an old hand with a screwdriver and an allen wrench, so nothing in the instructions seemed difficult.
In practice, however, I found myself dealing with instructions like "Tighten the four screws securely because you're about to cover them up, making them inaccessible forever," followed immediately by "bend outward the panels you just screwed in securely, taking care not to TEAR THE TABLE APART ENTIRELY."
There are eight connectors, called "cam locks" in the instructions, that appear to be responsible for holding together the entire apparatus. I screwed in the connectors they lock into, carefully bent the sides apart without breaking them, put the shelf in place, and turned the cam locks...and instead of locking, they spun freely. Uh....huh?
Some quick examination revealed that the connectors weren't long enough to reach into the cam locks. So I bent the sides apart again to pull the shelf out, loosened them what seemed an appropriate amount, carefully put the shelf in place to check the placement of the connectors (making sure they were unscrewed far enough for the locks to engage.
...I carefully bent the sides apart without breaking them, put the shelf in place, and turned the cam locks...and instead of locking, they spun freely. Uh....huh?
Some quick examination revealed that the connectors weren't long enough to reach into the cam locks. So I bent the sides apart again to pull the shelf out, loosened them what seemed an appropriate amount, carefully put the shelf in place to check the placement of the connectors (making sure they were unscrewed far enough for the locks to engage.
[Hey, John, you just repeated the last two paragraphs. Yes, I did, because THAT'S HOW IT FUCKING HAPPENED. If I wanted to be more accurate, I would've repeated them FOUR TIMES.]
So the fourth time I had to bend apart the sides, it started to seem that they weren't as solid as they were when I first screwed them in. No problem, I figured that when the locks finally engaged they would hold everything together.
So I went to tighten the shelf -- two of the locks engaged correctly! Huzzah! The third one tightened...and then suddenly went loose. Oh, that can't be good. The fourth was still completely loose.
So I pulled the shelf back out, yet again, to find a bent connector, a "cam lock" in two pieces, and the sides of the table looser still, after another bending. I briefly considered that having 7/8 of the connectors in place would probably be plenty...then I thought about my wife's reaction to gaps between the shelves and sides of the table...and asked myself whether I would really be happy with the idea of my kids being "7/8ths supported" by this table.
So I put everything aside to start on the crib. And as I was stacking the vast amounts of styrofoam and plastic packing material in the corner of the baby's room to make way for the crib...what should drop out of the bottom of the box, but a folded-up half-sheet of typing paper, crushed in the bottom of the box.
I unfolded the sheet, to find an "Instructional Addendum." This addendum let me know that I shouldn't screw in the cam lock connectors to the stopping point, but only to an arbitrary point on the shaft; otherwise the cam locks would not engage properly, and "breakage will occur." Huh. Good thing I didn't know this ahead of time. Good thing this fine manufacturer didn't build their threads to an idiot-proof level of precision that could've prevented the problem. And it's a good thing they didn't spend the 5 minutes to put the "Instructional addendum" in the plastic bag with the rest of the instructions.
Because if they'd done all that, I'd have a fucking changing table in the nursery by now, instead of a pile of fine wood and wood veneers.
SO today I figure I get to order new hardware, and wait 3 weeks for it to arrive, hoping the hardware gets here before the baby. The good news is the crib only involves nuts and bolts, and it's about 50% done already.
So, as I said at the beginning, I have no desire to run down the fine American employees of a fine US juvenile furniture manufacturer...but to address them, and their shoddy connectors, variably threaded screws, and shoved-in-the-bottom-of-the-box "Addendum" for one moment...do you all maybe THINK THIS SORT OF LAZY SHIT MIGHT BE A TEENSY PART OF THE REASON WHY WE'RE ALL BUYING OUR FURNITURE FROM THE SWEDES THESE DAYS?! YOU'RE GETTING YOUR ASSES KICKED BY FUCKING SOCIALISTS!
Ahhh. That's better...
Wednesday, April 18, 2007
Making me feel old...
All Things Considered today played a fantastic essay from a gentleman who was a student at Columbine HS during the massacre there.
He's now 26.
He's now 26.
Tuesday, April 17, 2007
Quick notes...
I was watching the BoSox game on Patriots Day and saw this happen. Be sure to wait until after the advertisement to see the replays.
--
Reason interviews one of the creators of The Venture Brothers, a Cartoon Network show that needs to be on your Tivo or Netflix list.
--
Some new pictures of my baby mama.
--
The big homebrew experiment is on temporary hold, after TurboTax Online informed me that we owed Uncle Sam $1700 for last year. In an ordinary year, this would be my indication to increase our withholding; but now that my income will be variable and we have another deduction on the way, I have no idea what I should do. Grumble.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Water into whine
Just the suggestion of an appearance by Dick Cheney can convert Mormons into hippies?
He really IS the most powerful man on Earth!
He really IS the most powerful man on Earth!
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Dumpster diving
Now that I'm unemployed and have the time (if not the cash) to think about having a hobby, I've decided to take up homebrewing. I spent a short apprenticeship with a couple of our devoted brewer friends, now I'm getting ready to order equipment and ingredients.
Of course, I'm going to need beer bottles -- non-screw-top bottles.
Back when I still lived in a group home for underprivileged slackers, two of my roommates took up brewing. Like any beer lover, rather than buying boring empty bottles, they took the value-added approach, buying multiple cases of Sam Adams and bringing them home to the rest of the ambition-impaired residents with an admonition to "Drink up!"
I had no desire to become a brewer at the time, but this certainly seemed like a part of the hobby I could get behind. However, my current roommates are either too pregnant or too feline to help me empty multiple cases.
I thought I was in good shape when I stopped by the base Packy this weekend and found that they're now carrying one of my favorite beers of all time. I brought home a case, grabbed my botttle opener to start digging into the important pre-brewing task of bottle emptying, and found...a screwtop. Derrrrrrrrrr...
[Inner voice: "So, John, you think you know enough about beer to brew your own, so why don't you know that your favorite beer comes in a screwtop??" John: Shut up, that's why.]
Clearly, drastic measures were necessary. Monday morning is neighborhood trash day, so during the sweet spot of the morning, after the employed folks have started their commute but before the Waste Management guys arrived...I went surveying the neighborhood recycling bins. Reuse > Recycling, right? I'm just making sure the neighborhood doesn't end up under 20ft of seawater next summer. AlGore would approve, even as the fashionable homeowners of the area considered calling the cops.
My rules: the bottle/can bins here are uncovered, so I was only grabbing visible bottles. No opening bags or bins, or rearranging the bin unless there were good bottles in view. There is a fine line between being a cheap craft brewer and being a bum.
I obviously missed at least one good party the other night, as some folks down the block had a 2L of Absolut Citron and about a case of Red Bull in the bin -- along with the mother lode, almost two grocery bags worth of Sam Adams bottles. Screw Monday morning, I'm heading back over there Saturday night.
Overall, it was a successful trip, I hauled in close to two cases of bottles (although not all of them were ideal -- see #3 below).
Some thoughts for my little corner of Newport, based on my expedition:
1. Too many damn wine drinkers around here. Don't get me wrong, I like my wine too; but you won't find a half-dozen bottles of wine in my recycling bin Monday morning without finding a few beer bottles as well.
2. If you're drinking Bud Light, what exactly is the point, or what do you think you're proving, by buying bottles? "Sure, my favorite beverage is the fermented product of indeterminate grains of dubious quality in superindustrial setting, but by God I'm no low-class cheapass! I drink LONGNECKS."
Please. Once you've decided a cheap buzz trumps taste, just buy the cans. In fact, buy the talls. The extra beer in each container provides a clear incentive to drink faster, so as to avoid the situation where the beer at the bottom of the can has been heated to undrinkability (about 1-2 degrees above absolute zero, by my guess).
3. For the three or four homes on my block alone who put away multiple packs of Heineken and Heine Lite last week... Heineken? Seriously? When we can WALK to liquor stores that carry fine east coast brews like Dogfish Head, Long Trail or Otter Creek? When some of your neighbors are the owners-brewers of local mainstay Newport Storm? No -- not you. When given a choice, you're going to pay about the same money, for beer to drink in your own home, and make it Heineken? Please see #2 above -- most of the same ideas apply.
I'm actually somewhat comforted by the preponderance of Heineken in this 'hood, because it means no one will be trying to steal my beer, which I'm planning to name "This Ale is as much UNLIKE Heineken as I could possibly make it."
Wish me luck.
Of course, I'm going to need beer bottles -- non-screw-top bottles.
Back when I still lived in a group home for underprivileged slackers, two of my roommates took up brewing. Like any beer lover, rather than buying boring empty bottles, they took the value-added approach, buying multiple cases of Sam Adams and bringing them home to the rest of the ambition-impaired residents with an admonition to "Drink up!"
I had no desire to become a brewer at the time, but this certainly seemed like a part of the hobby I could get behind. However, my current roommates are either too pregnant or too feline to help me empty multiple cases.
I thought I was in good shape when I stopped by the base Packy this weekend and found that they're now carrying one of my favorite beers of all time. I brought home a case, grabbed my botttle opener to start digging into the important pre-brewing task of bottle emptying, and found...a screwtop. Derrrrrrrrrr...
[Inner voice: "So, John, you think you know enough about beer to brew your own, so why don't you know that your favorite beer comes in a screwtop??" John: Shut up, that's why.]
Clearly, drastic measures were necessary. Monday morning is neighborhood trash day, so during the sweet spot of the morning, after the employed folks have started their commute but before the Waste Management guys arrived...I went surveying the neighborhood recycling bins. Reuse > Recycling, right? I'm just making sure the neighborhood doesn't end up under 20ft of seawater next summer. AlGore would approve, even as the fashionable homeowners of the area considered calling the cops.
My rules: the bottle/can bins here are uncovered, so I was only grabbing visible bottles. No opening bags or bins, or rearranging the bin unless there were good bottles in view. There is a fine line between being a cheap craft brewer and being a bum.
I obviously missed at least one good party the other night, as some folks down the block had a 2L of Absolut Citron and about a case of Red Bull in the bin -- along with the mother lode, almost two grocery bags worth of Sam Adams bottles. Screw Monday morning, I'm heading back over there Saturday night.
Overall, it was a successful trip, I hauled in close to two cases of bottles (although not all of them were ideal -- see #3 below).
Some thoughts for my little corner of Newport, based on my expedition:
1. Too many damn wine drinkers around here. Don't get me wrong, I like my wine too; but you won't find a half-dozen bottles of wine in my recycling bin Monday morning without finding a few beer bottles as well.
2. If you're drinking Bud Light, what exactly is the point, or what do you think you're proving, by buying bottles? "Sure, my favorite beverage is the fermented product of indeterminate grains of dubious quality in superindustrial setting, but by God I'm no low-class cheapass! I drink LONGNECKS."
Please. Once you've decided a cheap buzz trumps taste, just buy the cans. In fact, buy the talls. The extra beer in each container provides a clear incentive to drink faster, so as to avoid the situation where the beer at the bottom of the can has been heated to undrinkability (about 1-2 degrees above absolute zero, by my guess).
3. For the three or four homes on my block alone who put away multiple packs of Heineken and Heine Lite last week... Heineken? Seriously? When we can WALK to liquor stores that carry fine east coast brews like Dogfish Head, Long Trail or Otter Creek? When some of your neighbors are the owners-brewers of local mainstay Newport Storm? No -- not you. When given a choice, you're going to pay about the same money, for beer to drink in your own home, and make it Heineken? Please see #2 above -- most of the same ideas apply.
I'm actually somewhat comforted by the preponderance of Heineken in this 'hood, because it means no one will be trying to steal my beer, which I'm planning to name "This Ale is as much UNLIKE Heineken as I could possibly make it."
Wish me luck.
"There are few things better than Cat Thread"
So says my sister. If you're not a frequent browser of Fark, behold the cat thread and acknowledge its power.
Bevy of backlogged posts on the way. I was in a foul mood yesterday on account of failing a Cisco exam, but I'm over it now. Why is a man with no interest in holding down a full-time IT job taking Cisco exams? Good question, long answer, don't ask.
Just know that all the cycles I'd usually invest in posting all things funny and informative are going into knowing the details of Cisco WLSEs and ASAs and ISRs and BFDs and WTFs. Grrrr.
Bevy of backlogged posts on the way. I was in a foul mood yesterday on account of failing a Cisco exam, but I'm over it now. Why is a man with no interest in holding down a full-time IT job taking Cisco exams? Good question, long answer, don't ask.
Just know that all the cycles I'd usually invest in posting all things funny and informative are going into knowing the details of Cisco WLSEs and ASAs and ISRs and BFDs and WTFs. Grrrr.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Flying Chief Stirrup of the Staff?!?!?
As found on Slog, the following paragraph from a NYT story about the British hostages being released from Iran:
I think this is all part of a contest among high-ranking British military and law enforcement to see who can convince the US media to publish the most Monty Python-esque name. If CNN's next interview is with Commodore Sir B. Naanna Hammack of the HMS Naughtybits, I won't be the least bit surprised...
While I'm on the subject... I don't want to talk about anything even vaguely political but since this is Navy-related, it's got me spun up. Seeing those sailors forced to make those degrading statements made me sympathetic for the first time to the "OMG GLASS PARKING LOT!!!" crowd. Infuriating. Also, anyone questioning what those British sailors did or said while in Iranian captivity, or who thinks the average US sailor would be any better trained to deal with a similar situation, should STFU and go back to enjoying the ignorance those sailors make possible. That is all.
Boarding two naval helicopters, they then left for their base in Devon, where they are to be debriefed and to undergo medical and psychological checkups, said Air Chief Marshal Sir Jock Stirrup, chief of the defense staff.
I think this is all part of a contest among high-ranking British military and law enforcement to see who can convince the US media to publish the most Monty Python-esque name. If CNN's next interview is with Commodore Sir B. Naanna Hammack of the HMS Naughtybits, I won't be the least bit surprised...
While I'm on the subject... I don't want to talk about anything even vaguely political but since this is Navy-related, it's got me spun up. Seeing those sailors forced to make those degrading statements made me sympathetic for the first time to the "OMG GLASS PARKING LOT!!!" crowd. Infuriating. Also, anyone questioning what those British sailors did or said while in Iranian captivity, or who thinks the average US sailor would be any better trained to deal with a similar situation, should STFU and go back to enjoying the ignorance those sailors make possible. That is all.
Housekeeping
If you're visiting the site in person you've probably seen the sidebar morph every now and again; I like the idea of having some dynamic content over there I can mess with and update more-or-less transparently even when I'm not in the mood to spew words.
I just realized that there are people out there saying nice things about me and I should probably separate the links for people I know in-the-flesh from those I really only know via their electrons; so you'll see that on the right.
You'll also see online news links and links to books I'm reading. I do control what is posted in those, they're not auto-generated by Google or Amazon. Being posted over there doesn't mean it's the greatest thing I've ever read or 100% agreement with what you'll find; more likely, I just found it interesting, funny or generally worth your time. I'm also going to add links to products I've purchased or enjoyed.
And yes, I can theoretically make money on the Amazon links, although the main reason they're up is because I like the way their interface lets me post pictures and descriptions of books I've read without devoting a post to each.
If you don't have some other site/cause/etc. that you support by shopping Amazon through an associate link, then clicking that link when you buy through Amazon would be much appreciated.
Of course, all this stuff adds overhead to the site, but it's hard for me to gauge how badly it slows down because everything is slow on my ancient laptop. Let me know if things really start to crawl...
[EDIT: A new reader (hi Dad) just informed me that some piece of javascript on the page is freaking out Safari, which seems to happen on 10.3.9 or 10.4. Sorry about that...]
I just realized that there are people out there saying nice things about me and I should probably separate the links for people I know in-the-flesh from those I really only know via their electrons; so you'll see that on the right.
You'll also see online news links and links to books I'm reading. I do control what is posted in those, they're not auto-generated by Google or Amazon. Being posted over there doesn't mean it's the greatest thing I've ever read or 100% agreement with what you'll find; more likely, I just found it interesting, funny or generally worth your time. I'm also going to add links to products I've purchased or enjoyed.
And yes, I can theoretically make money on the Amazon links, although the main reason they're up is because I like the way their interface lets me post pictures and descriptions of books I've read without devoting a post to each.
If you don't have some other site/cause/etc. that you support by shopping Amazon through an associate link, then clicking that link when you buy through Amazon would be much appreciated.
Of course, all this stuff adds overhead to the site, but it's hard for me to gauge how badly it slows down because everything is slow on my ancient laptop. Let me know if things really start to crawl...
[EDIT: A new reader (hi Dad) just informed me that some piece of javascript on the page is freaking out Safari, which seems to happen on 10.3.9 or 10.4. Sorry about that...]
Wednesday, April 4, 2007
My favorite coffee, on sale
Through April 18, online orders at Papanicholas Coffee are 20% off with the discount code "thinkspring". Papanicholas is probably familiar to folks who have lived in Chicagoland, as it's widely available in groceries there.
I like coffee that kicks me in the junk and steals my wallet, and their dark roasts are the real deal. Plus, it always arrives fresh, it's reasonably priced compared to the beans from the store that rhymes with "TarChucks" and just as good.
Even though they no longer have the Viking Blend that got me through many hungover Sunday mornings, I still order up several pounds of French roast every time it goes on sale.
(I'm not affiliated with this company and I don't get money for pushing their products.)
I like coffee that kicks me in the junk and steals my wallet, and their dark roasts are the real deal. Plus, it always arrives fresh, it's reasonably priced compared to the beans from the store that rhymes with "TarChucks" and just as good.
Even though they no longer have the Viking Blend that got me through many hungover Sunday mornings, I still order up several pounds of French roast every time it goes on sale.
(I'm not affiliated with this company and I don't get money for pushing their products.)
Rockin' the '80s
I'm man enough to admit that I went 10-for-10 in this Entertainment Weekly "Name that '80s hair metal band" quiz. If you have to ask how or why I was able to pull off this achievement, just chalk it up to the fact that I will be celebrating my 12th birthday for the 24th time this September.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
My wife is funny
Noted during breakfast, as ESPN was on the TV in the cafe:
"Phil Jackson is looking more and more like Colonel Sanders these days."
"Phil Jackson is looking more and more like Colonel Sanders these days."
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