On Military Husbands and the "wives club"

Now that I have some more time to myself and no television (and soon, no wife, but that's not important right now) to suck that time away, I want to start sharing my thoughts on my pal Tom Litchford's posts here, here, here and here about us military husbands and whether we're well served by the military's traditional (i.e. female-focused) family support structures. My bias, for those who don't know me -- I'm the husband of a career-minded Navy Surface Warfare Officer, so my opinions and observations come from that experience.

In addition to Tom's posts, MilSpouse has a great article on their website, split into two parts, that gives some good background on the challenges of the husband.

Despite its absurd length, this is meant to be another waypoint in a conversation, not the last word. Hopefully it's comprehensible and adds more light than heat to the topic.

As "The Guy" who has often changed a gathering of "wives" into "spouses," I've had very few bad experiences. However, I'm not a common case. Contrary to "guy" stereotypes, I'm very comfortable around groups of women and I have no problem being a good listener or talking someone's ear off, as circumstances demand.

I've had my share of dirty looks from wives who made it clear through their arrogance and snark that they didn't like the idea of women on ships or men in the "Wives' Club;" however, I noticed that they were generally negative people, who had some reason to be upset with most people and situations. Even without any men in the room, they would find a way to be unhappy, so I didn't take their actions personally.

Lacking any firsthand horror stories, I still share Tom's sense that the existing support structure isn't helpful to husbands. Then again, the spouse groups I've been involved in had a very small core of regular attendees; many of the wives were no more dedicated than the "attend once and run like hell" husbands. So maybe it's not just the men who are poorly served?

I wonder, is the entire concept of the wives/spouses club an anachronism? The institution of the wives club was created for women who were far from their extended family, had little to no contact with their husbands during deployment, were expected to be helpless and pitied without a man around, and without work or interests outside family life -- in short, women who usually bore no resemblance to today's spouses of either gender. Today's military wife brings a set of experiences much more like mine than like the military wife of years past.

In my experience, for couples today to succeed at the military lifestyle, the non-military spouse MUST have interests and "a life" completely unrelated to the military member. Among my "Navy Wife" friends, the question "When are they going back to sea so I can get back to normal?" is sometimes asked only half in jest. When a couple can't create independent identities, even a short separation becomes intolerable and one of the relationships -- either the military career or the marriage -- is doomed.

Cheap travel, instant global communication, more and more nonmilitary husbands who have never been subjected to the "you poor thing" military wife stereotype and fewer and fewer women fitting that profile: Maybe it's no wonder that the traditional model of the spouses club is no longer relevant.

I think there are other reasons the military husband is overlooked -- email me if you want to have a long, boring discussion about them -- but it's more important to ask, "What should spouses groups do to stay relevant to both men and women?" and "What should individual spouses do to retain sanity in the age of neverending deployments?"

Don't read this as a eulogy for the spouses club. It just needs to be seen in its proper context. Instead of expecting an official group to be the sole source of support and social interaction, call it a first resource among many.

As far as what groups should do for husbands, this may sound simplistic, but I think my good experiences could be chalked up to the leaders and "regulars" in the group who did their best to make me welcome. If I'd received an icy reception from those groups, I certainly wouldn't have returned. In the end, if you can treat me as professionally as you would a co-worker, I'll probably feel part of the group.

It's easy to say that family groups should look for activities that have appeal across gender lines, but it's not practical to constantly find activities that will draw in both genders, regardless of whether or not they have kids. An organization will tend to represent the majority, and if that's women alone with kids, the childless husband is going to wonder where he fits in.

What groups and group leaders can do if they have a small number of husbands who don't seem linked to the group -- encourage them to get together on their own, if the group's activities aren't of interest. Leaders can use their training opportunities and connections to other units to gather information, for instance could the base form a husbands group from multiple commands? Is there a command anywhere nearby that has a critical mass of husbands to form a group but would welcome more?

The individual husband should recognize that their unit's spouses club is going to have access to information they may not get anywhere else, and maintain links to it regardless of how they feel about the people or activities. You can make it through your wife's career while never having an emergency or question or crisis that requires an official conduit to your wife's command, but the one time you need it, you must know who to call.

In the end, if a military husband feels that he needs a group of men who are going through the same experiences, it's up to him to take the initiative and find those men himself. It feels silly to say this on a blog, but the Internet does exist. Form a meetup group, create an online forum, just start poking around Google. We military husbands are out here, and always ready to lend a hand.