Awk-waaaaard

While bottling beer this afternoon, the doorbell rang. I expected a friend who just came back from Iraq to stop by and meet Theo, so imagine my surprise to find two well-dressed young men on the front steps.

Noting that they wore nametags that read "LATTER-SOMETHING" and "Elder Somename," I was not surprised to find out they were in the neighborhood talking to folks about Jesus Christ.

I have a lot of respect for LDS missionaries. These are virtual kids, far from home, knocking on the doors of strangers day in/day out, and they're expected to bring people into their church. It's gotta be rough. I also figure that given all that, if I ever start a business I'm populating my sales staff with post-mission Mormons, but that's another discussion.

So any other day I might have invited them in to get off their feet for a few minutes and have a glass of water, but today I already had beer in the bottling bucket collecting germs; plus, any afternoon project is timed against the nap clock in Theo's head.

So I told them, truthfully, I was "in the middle of something." When he asked about my relationship with Jesus, I told him I keep my own counsel about my faith, but I had a lot of respect for them, and good luck.

As I was accepting a business card, I heard Theo cry once or twice in the monitor. Thank goodness, it didn't last; just his usual mid-nap wakeup. Heading back to the kitchen, wondered how long the young men had been on their mission as I resumed lining up my bottles.

That's when I realized I'd spent the entire conversation with a beer bottle in each hand.

Great move, waving my booze in the face of the Mormons. Maybe I should keep a bacon cheeseburger around for when the evangelical Jews show up next week.

Of course I'm not afraid I offended them; they've probably seen beer before, even if they don't drink it. But I shudder to think what they wrote in their report of the day...

"House 37: A shaggy-bearded hobo wearing dirty grey gym clothing answered the door with a beer in each hand. He was very polite to us, so we suspect he was inebriated. Not a good candidate for the church, but we should consider calling the authorities and at very least, pray for the baby we heard crying in the next room."