The minivan gets a bad rap in this country--it is almost universally reviled as a symbol of dweebish parenthood and mindless suburbia, a scarlet letter attached to soccer moms' chests...Okay, so minivans are universally scorned. But why? What are the minivan's crimes? The only crime I can see is that it's too good at its job.
Having lovingly imagined himself a premise with absolutely no basis in reality -- calling it a strawman would be an insult to straw -- the author mounts a spirited defense of a vehicle which, judging by Target parking lots everywhere, needs absolutely no defense at all.
In the minivan's intended market of families with children, there is no stigma attached to minivans whatsoever -- it's practically expected that you will add this exalted member of the family before your second child arrives. Every option from the navigation system to the number of cupholders are discussed by bragging fathers who embrace the minivan with no less reverence than they would their bachelor muscle car. Mothers pore over safety ratings, making sure all their friends know that not even a speeding locomotive could harm their little miracles. I have three close friends in the "Odyssey Club" and have been mocked for not buying a minivan.
"Universally scorned?" Only in the author's hometown of DesperateForABlogPostville.
I've taken my share of shots at minivans as totems of the suburban wasteland, but we still considered buying one, because the family is only getting bigger from here. After all, I'm sarcastic and desperate for jokes -- not a moron.
We've rejected the minivan not to maintain our mythical hipster cred, but because we're frugal, and it would be silly for us to spend a premium of thousands a year in sticker price, insurance and gas mileage on a vehicle we'd truly need a few times a year.
Note that even Amazon's blog author, needing a rationale for minivan ownership, only comes up with "road trips." For us, that's why Hertz exists; spend hundreds a year renting a utilitarian second vehicle when we want it, instead of thousands a year watching it depreciate. It's one thing for two-income families or the ever-more-mythical "family of five," (more power to them) but for us? I'll watch my bank account grow along with the kids, thanks.
It's probably more accurate (but so much less conducive to writing a blog post) to say that the minivan is used by the childless as shorthand, a symbol of all the other reasons they mock people with kids.
Having been one of those mockers, and now as a daddy for almost nine months, I can say without a doubt that I was right then and I'm right now. Those childless folks should mock us. Even parents like my wife and I, who consciously reject the child-worshipping modern parenting culture of materialism and mindless catering to the little snowflakes, act like complete dopes in public and private on a daily basis.
I can't believe our unmarried/childless friends will still talk to us and the minivan owners are suspicious, wondering if our pre-parenthood brain chip implants were successful. We'll just have to put up with the funny looks from both groups.
2 comments:
Funny looks be damned; I like the way you think.
I don't understand why they don't sell minivans in yellow. Those with the mindset of buying a minivan like to pour thousands of dollars into a false notion of superior parenting. Research has shown that yellow is the safest color for vehicles (hence yellow school buses). Why not sell yellow minivans?
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